The Obligatory Year End List

At this time of the year, Page 10 is usually blessed with an overabundance of goodies - and, unlike the fruitcake, none of them have to be refrigerated. Here are the editor's picks for this year.

In January, a 1.2 million RV was unveiled that can protect against hard radiation, chemical, and biological attacks. One wonders where these guys plan to go on vacation. And in Fort Worth, an drunk woman involved in a collision got out of her car to have a look at the damage, and was killed when a beer truck ran into her. The truck driver was also drunk. Guess Bud doesn't make you Weiser after all.

In February, Prince Charles wedded Camilla, and the fairy tale finally ended.

In March, Congress approved a bill to allow parents to filter out obscenity, sex, and violence out of DVDs. Thereby killing off that end of the movie business, too. Also, Knoxville, Tenn., prosecutors ordered 582 parents of continually truant students to a meeting to tell them they needed to get their kids to school. 241 parents didn't show up.

In April, The World Bank and International Monetary Fund, after days of meetings, failed to come up with any ideas for reducing Third World debt. An unnamed source confided in us that someone almost mentioned paying third world workers proper wages for things like crops, T-shirts, and shoes, but was shot by department store moguls before getting into the building. And, a report this month claimed players of the online role-playing game Second Life have actually paid money to online-game detectives to learn whether their mates are committing "virtual adultery" with other players' characters. Get a Second life, guys!

In May, Star Wars Episode 3 premieres, shocking fans with its revelations. And Justin Breakspear, 18, is charged with illegal possession of three firearms, one of which, a .380-caliber pistol, is tattooed on his hip.

In June, The US announced plans to begin producing Plutonium 238 again, also stating that it is to be used for "secret missions". Given the fact that they can't even keep things like the names of agents, the existence of foreign prisons, and illegal surveillance programs a secret, one wonders how they intend to conceal a mushroom cloud the size of Mt. St. Helens. Oh, well. Oh, and Kentucky officials selected the state's goat show in Erlanger to test its emergency anti-terrorist program. Said a Kentucky Homeland Security official - really! - "We try to focus on what really matters to Kentucky." No chicken, this guy.

In July, a survey showed that 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Thus explaining much about the Religious Right. And, French bus line Transports Schiocchet Excursions filed an unfair-competition lawsuit against a group of cleaning ladies, who began car-pooling to their jobs. The bus line wanted the ladies fined and their cars seized. An unnamed source states they dropped the suit after a horse-drawn carriage owner threatened his own suit.

In August, British troops in Iraq are issued germ fighting underwear. Apparently the terrorist fighting underwear wasn't ready yet. Also, South Korean scientists announce that they successfully cloned a dog. And that he was delicious.

In September, a restaurant in China selling illegal tiger meat steaks turns out to be selling donkey meat soaked in tiger urine. According to sources, the cooks were arrested for fraud - and the customers for cannibalism. Also, weatherman Scott Stevens of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, Idaho, quit his job in order to spend more time proving that Hurricane Katrina was caused by a Russian-made electromagnetic generator employed by the Japanese Yakuza in retaliation for the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. An unnamed source laughed at him.

In October, 20 year old Tyler Ing enters the record books for having the world's longest nipple hair - three and a half inches long. Also, we learned of a FEMA truck, supposed to bring ice to New Orleans, which a) went to Greenville, Pa., then b) drove to a Carthage, Mo., FEMA facility, then c) drove to Montgomery, Ala., then d) went to Camp Shelby in Mississippi, then e) went to Selma, Ala., then f) went to Emporia, Va., then finally went to g) Fremont, Neb., where the ice was put into storage.

In November, pirates off the Horn of Africa attack a cruise ship, only to be driven off by loud noise. An unnamed source claims that plans to equip future cruise liners with Nine Inch Nails CDs for defense have been halted by claims that they would violate the Geneva Convention. A spokesperson for the band complained "They aren't real nails, you idiots!". And in a supreme case of cosmic irony, Star Trek actor James "Scotty" Doohan's ashes are not shot into space on schedule, due to mechanical problems with the rocket.

And, finally, in December, researchers announce that they have successfully injected mice with human brain cells. No increase in intelligence has been reported. And, judging by the events of the past year, none ever will be.
Happy New Year.