Lohan gets a tattoo

Lindsay Lohan, the 19-year-old singer/actress/celebrity, has had the word "breathe" tattooed onto her wrist. The choice of body art may have to do with either her New Year's asthma attack, her smoking habit, or her unfamiliarity with the word "think".
An unnamed source confirmed that, no, she didn't choose her wrist because her butt is full.

Female guppies go through menopause. If they live that long.

Did Jesus live only 1,000 years ago?

That is the claim of Florin Diacu, and his counterpart, Anatoli Fomenko.
They have matched descriptions of human events in ancient documents with astronomical data, such as eclipses. The results show that the standard dates we accept for ancient events, based on Greek, Roman, biblical, and other histories, may be off, and that, if you add in bad translations of dates, medieval "fixes", and plain old errors, then our current history, the number of years since the birth of Christ, may only amount to one millennium.

Look for The Lost Millennium, by Florin Diacu, in bookstores.

Canadians are Liberal and Hedonistic

Paul Weyrich, of the conservative Free Congress Foundation, said today that Canadians have become so liberal and hedonistic that the public ethic in the country immediately could not be reversed. (italics mine)
I suppose that means the US is doomed. Anyone who is aware of the current top ten TV programs in the country knows how hedonistic Americans have become.
What? You mean that doesn't make sense? Oh, dear.
Unfortunately, Mr. Weyrich neglected to explain what he meant by "public ethic" or "hedonistic" in this context. Canadians as a group are neither decadent nor corrupt.
Nor are they stupid enough to elect a pig in a poke. They don't overlook past performances, nor excuse behavior in their leaders just because of party loyalty - something CERTAIN individuals south of the border could and should try sometime.

A Sign of the Apocolypse

This weekend's conference of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology will see data from a study in which dedicated Democrats and Republicans were scanned by an MRI machine while presented with facts critical of John Kerry and George W. Bush. The brain scans showed that the participants did not use the reasoning portions of their brains. Instead, they used the emotion circuits.

This is not a funny story. This is a report that shows that certain people CANNOT - WILL NOT - think!
Will not think about their candidate. Will not harbour the idea that their candidate might be wrong. Wrong about anything. No matter what proof is offered.
And these people are the people who run the campaigns, put up the signs, write the blogs.
No wonder they all seem one sided. No wonder none of them, on either side, ever says "Wow. I guess I was wrong about this." This study implies that these people are incapable of such a change in opinion. They only feel emotions. Loyalty towards their champion, or anger against his detractors.
That's what's powering politics in the United States right now.
Wow.

Walking backwards has been used successfully to treat lower body problems - back, hip, and leg pains.

Political Perks in Canada

Canada has just elected a new government.
Want to know what each new member of Parliament gets for winning?
- $144,300 salary
- $275,000 staff budget, or thereabouts.
- $258,100 office budget
- free Blackberries, day-care, train rides, and cellphones.
- travel budget of $20,000 per year.

On the plus side, their Blackberries will be useless soon.

Next pregnant firefighter can breathe easier

A firefighter who was forced to leave her newborn baby in order to take a promotion exam says the department could have made things easier by letting her take the test at the hospital.
The Houston Fire department stated that it is considering changing the rules to accommodate unusual situations like this one. The problem was the rule that forced all participants in the test to take it at the same time, in order to prevent earlier testees from passing the answers on to the next set.

Solution 1) Create several thousand questions. Let a computer print up a random set for each participant.
Solution 2) Only allow honest firefighters to take the test.

Gun that Won the West now history?

U.S. Repeating Arms Co. Inc. said Tuesday it will close its Winchester firearm factory.
The company has been plagued by slumping firearm sales. More than 19,000 people worked there during the Second World War, but the plant employs fewer than 200 now.

Imagine that. A gun that isn't flying off the shelves.
Guess with all the Glocks and assault rifles on the market, the John Wayne gun is history.
So much for the idea that most people buy guns to hunt with.
You hunt with a Winchester. You murder with a Glock.

Rent a Sophomore - his skin, anyway.

Four college students from Arizona State University are offering their bodies for ad space.
Kyle Kittleson and his four buddies hope to raise money for Spring Break by auctioning off their skins on eBay. Bid right, and they will wear your logo, email address, or promotional material. One buyer per body, however.

With their luck, all they'll get is four liposuctionists and the makers of "Almond Joy".
Sometimes you feel like a nut . . .

A "shonky molly-dooker" is what an Australian might call a left-hander.

Canada considers polygamy

A report by three law professors to the Canadian government has recommended that the laws against polygamy be repealed, in order to protect the rights of women in multiple spouse marriages. The Canadian government does not seem to be considering the subject; the report was only released to the media through the Freedom of Information Act.

Yes, a woman was one of the professors. No, polyandry was not mentioned. Yes, Canada is known for its permissiveness. No, there are better ways to insure the rights of women in fringe religious groups.

No, nobody needs more than one set of inlaws at once.

Satanist for Governor

Jonathon Sharkey, a satanic priest, plans to run for governor of Minnesota as a member of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.
He states that he drinks blood, and considers the Christian God his mortal enemy. He has also filed to run in the 2008 Presidential Election.

An unofficial spokesperson stated today that he plans to run on the slogan of "Why settle for a wannabe, when you can elect a true evil madman to the White House?"

Chinese cars coming to America

By 2008, at least two Chinese companies will be selling cars in the United States.
Geely (pronounced Jee-ly) will be marketing a sports car and a compact. Chery will be marketing five models, including a convertible and a utility vehicle.
Geely's 7151 CK compact sedan was displayed at the North American International Auto Show. The Geely model made for export to the US is expected to cost around $10,000, while the Chery's US models are expected to sell for 55% of a comparable US car.

China's trade surplus is now $101.9 billion. Attention parents: the ideal gift for your kid this year would be a Chinese tutor. Before he hires you to teach HIS kid.

Computers will soon sense your emotional state

Researchers at the Fraunhofer Institute in Germany are working on computers that can sense the emotions of their users. They use, among other things, special gloves equipped with sensors to record your heartbeat, blood pressure, and breathing rate.

So if you're looking at a x-rated site and the computer goes down, you now have a brand new dirty joke.

Today's factoid: A survey of churchgoers discovered that, when asked for their favorite saying from the Bible, gave "God helps those who help themselves" as their number one choice.
That saying does not appear anywhere in the Bible.

4 year old banned from airlines.

Four year old Edward Allen was almost prevented from boarding a plane for a visit to his grandmother, last Dec. 21, because Continental Airlines had his name on a list - the Transportation Security Administration's "no-fly" list, established immediately after Sept. 11, 2001, which is supposed to prevent people who may have terrorist ties from boarding commercial flights.
Other names that have appeared on the no-fly list are those of Rep. John Lewis and Sen. Edward Kennedy.

Page 10 finds this story interesting for several reasons.
1) How did people with names like Lewis, Kennedy, and Allen get onto a list of people who may have terrorist ties? These are not the surnames you expect to find in the Baghdad phonebook.
2) A name like "John Lewis" is pretty common - how many people have been kept off airplanes because some guy in NY or somewhere made a deal in the Middle East once?
3) What good is this list, anyway? Supposed the real Edward Allen, friend of Osama, tried to board a plane, was turned away, and complained. Would he eventually be allowed to board, or is there somebody, somewhere, who can point to this particular guy and say "You're the one we intended to ban from flying, not all those other guys!"?
4) Is the name ever taken off if the actual person with terrorist ties is arrested and sent to prison? Or do people still get turned away for having the wrong name, even though Mr. Right Name is gone?

Page 10 would like to know.

Robertson Strikes Again!

"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,'" stated Pat Robertson, speaking of Ariel Sharon today.
He also compared Sharon's fate with that of Yitzhak Rabin, who signed the Oslo peace accords that granted limited self-rule to Palestinians. "It was a terrible thing that happened, but nevertheless, now he's dead," said Robertson.
Robertson has not yet apologised for today's statement. An unnamed source blames the delay on the difficulty of getting Mr. Robertson's shoe out of his mouth.

Oh, and to Angell Watts, the Robertson spokeperson who said, concerning people like me who are making fun of Mr. Robertson: "What they're basically saying is, 'How dare Pat Robertson quote the Bible?'"
Where in the Bible does it mention smiting leaders for signing peace accords, or withdrawing from disputed lands, or, for that matter, where does it mention assassinating South American leaders, Ms. Watts?

The Obligatory Year End List

At this time of the year, Page 10 is usually blessed with an overabundance of goodies - and, unlike the fruitcake, none of them have to be refrigerated. Here are the editor's picks for this year.

In January, a 1.2 million RV was unveiled that can protect against hard radiation, chemical, and biological attacks. One wonders where these guys plan to go on vacation. And in Fort Worth, an drunk woman involved in a collision got out of her car to have a look at the damage, and was killed when a beer truck ran into her. The truck driver was also drunk. Guess Bud doesn't make you Weiser after all.

In February, Prince Charles wedded Camilla, and the fairy tale finally ended.

In March, Congress approved a bill to allow parents to filter out obscenity, sex, and violence out of DVDs. Thereby killing off that end of the movie business, too. Also, Knoxville, Tenn., prosecutors ordered 582 parents of continually truant students to a meeting to tell them they needed to get their kids to school. 241 parents didn't show up.

In April, The World Bank and International Monetary Fund, after days of meetings, failed to come up with any ideas for reducing Third World debt. An unnamed source confided in us that someone almost mentioned paying third world workers proper wages for things like crops, T-shirts, and shoes, but was shot by department store moguls before getting into the building. And, a report this month claimed players of the online role-playing game Second Life have actually paid money to online-game detectives to learn whether their mates are committing "virtual adultery" with other players' characters. Get a Second life, guys!

In May, Star Wars Episode 3 premieres, shocking fans with its revelations. And Justin Breakspear, 18, is charged with illegal possession of three firearms, one of which, a .380-caliber pistol, is tattooed on his hip.

In June, The US announced plans to begin producing Plutonium 238 again, also stating that it is to be used for "secret missions". Given the fact that they can't even keep things like the names of agents, the existence of foreign prisons, and illegal surveillance programs a secret, one wonders how they intend to conceal a mushroom cloud the size of Mt. St. Helens. Oh, well. Oh, and Kentucky officials selected the state's goat show in Erlanger to test its emergency anti-terrorist program. Said a Kentucky Homeland Security official - really! - "We try to focus on what really matters to Kentucky." No chicken, this guy.

In July, a survey showed that 12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. Thus explaining much about the Religious Right. And, French bus line Transports Schiocchet Excursions filed an unfair-competition lawsuit against a group of cleaning ladies, who began car-pooling to their jobs. The bus line wanted the ladies fined and their cars seized. An unnamed source states they dropped the suit after a horse-drawn carriage owner threatened his own suit.

In August, British troops in Iraq are issued germ fighting underwear. Apparently the terrorist fighting underwear wasn't ready yet. Also, South Korean scientists announce that they successfully cloned a dog. And that he was delicious.

In September, a restaurant in China selling illegal tiger meat steaks turns out to be selling donkey meat soaked in tiger urine. According to sources, the cooks were arrested for fraud - and the customers for cannibalism. Also, weatherman Scott Stevens of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, Idaho, quit his job in order to spend more time proving that Hurricane Katrina was caused by a Russian-made electromagnetic generator employed by the Japanese Yakuza in retaliation for the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. An unnamed source laughed at him.

In October, 20 year old Tyler Ing enters the record books for having the world's longest nipple hair - three and a half inches long. Also, we learned of a FEMA truck, supposed to bring ice to New Orleans, which a) went to Greenville, Pa., then b) drove to a Carthage, Mo., FEMA facility, then c) drove to Montgomery, Ala., then d) went to Camp Shelby in Mississippi, then e) went to Selma, Ala., then f) went to Emporia, Va., then finally went to g) Fremont, Neb., where the ice was put into storage.

In November, pirates off the Horn of Africa attack a cruise ship, only to be driven off by loud noise. An unnamed source claims that plans to equip future cruise liners with Nine Inch Nails CDs for defense have been halted by claims that they would violate the Geneva Convention. A spokesperson for the band complained "They aren't real nails, you idiots!". And in a supreme case of cosmic irony, Star Trek actor James "Scotty" Doohan's ashes are not shot into space on schedule, due to mechanical problems with the rocket.

And, finally, in December, researchers announce that they have successfully injected mice with human brain cells. No increase in intelligence has been reported. And, judging by the events of the past year, none ever will be.
Happy New Year.